Some modified cars are great, but you won't find any here........

This is the new Hybrid Police car. No, not a car for hybrid Police but a sad
half-battery powered 1.4 litre eco-box that does 0-60 in a pedestrian 9.1 secs
and 100 mph. (!!) Well, the plods are really going to be fighting over the keys for
that aren't they?  I can't believe the photo shows it in the outside lane, what's it
overtaking, a toadstool?

They must be hoping that the criminals are so helpless with laughter, they can't
drive away and just give up. Perhaps their new TV programme will be called
'Police ECO- Interceptors' and they just get filmed in 'high-speed' pursuits with
pieces of stolen agricultural machinery or bewildered pensioners in Austin Maestros.
The Nissan Duke replaced the Fiat Multipla as the ugliest new car on
the planet. This owner has clearly noticed people's merriment and decided to
improve his by nailing a giant stupid wing on the back.
Now it just looks like a f*** - ugly car with a stupid wing on.

It just proves they're not all locked up yet.
Another piece of crap from America spotted by the eagle eye of Dr Japseye.
I assume the owner of this is saving up for the bit in the middle, or perhaps
he ran over  someone and they grabbed that bit and ripped it off as they went
A red Vectra with a boot lid from a black Vectra and a wing from a, errr.
BMW have been making small cars for longer than you think. This was their 316i
compact. It was bought by people so desperate for a BMW badge, they would
have bought a bucket of human faeces with one on. And funnily enough, that
is exactly what it was, only some cretin decided that clearly his wasn't crap
enough so decided to spend a month's jobseeker's allowance making it worse.
A car that looks like a swollen arse.
I haven't seen positive camber like that since my mum's Triumph Spitfire! Just
how do you begin to get a car looking like that? And how do you open the tailgate
with 8 foot exhaust pipes?

Looks like it's been dropped out of the back of a Chinook from 1000 ft.
What a bag of shite :-( 
Ahhh, a good old traditional turd box in all its glory. Somewhere in there is a
nice hatchback begging you to just shoot it...
Yet another Saxo. Presumably, the face-up numberplate is to make it easier
for the Police helicopter to read.
Must be Jordan on her holidays....
First prize for the stupidest exhaust fitted by the biggest retard on to the wankiest
car goes to this guy.
And now the prize for the biggest wheels on the wankiest car.

The Sebring is a favourite econo-box for hire companies. It's normally associated
with visits to see Mickey Mouse, (if you are on a tight car budget). Full marks to
the clown who managed this conversion though.

Thanks to Dr Japseye and his sharp (japs) eye.
I think this was a Fiesta before it was turned into some kind of Bird's Custard
tribute vehicle.
Brilliant invisible repair!
Clearly Boss Hogg is still alive and well!
This youth should ask for his money back on the shopping channel home
spraying kit he bought.
A purple impreza driven by a purple helmet.
The owner of this Fiat Chunkychicken seems to have found it necessary to nail
a heated towel rail and part of his central heating boiler to his vehicle.
Getting that bonnet 'power bulge' effect is easy. Simply place your spare wheel
on top of the engine and get someone large to slam it a few times....
Job done.
This started life as a Calibra. For some reason it is driven by quite a perky female
who doesn't look mentally unwell at all. Must be her bloke's car then.
Thanks to Dr Japseye for this spinner-clad receptacle of ordure in the Virgin
Islands. Luckily wheel spinners haven't really caught on here, as we have a better
class of moron.
This old shagger  should have been recycled into bean tins several times
over by now. What it needs is someone to love it and restore it to its former glory
so people can still be completely uninterested in it. 
Did he run out of black paint or red paint? Either that or it runs on crude oil
and that is from the exhaust.
A US shit box again. The Yanks don't make any good cars to start with, so it
can't be easy to make them worse. This guy managed though.
If you buy every possible crap accessory from Halfords and stick it all on
one crap car, this is the unavoidable result.
I had a shirt that looked like this in the 80's. I soon realised I looked a complete
penis in it. Pity this car owner hasn't had the same realisation.
What you need on there is some more lights mate...

What with three sets of indicators, 3 high level brake lights, 5 fog lights,
a lightbar and amber flashing strobes, you would think that this guy wants to
get noticed. He has a sign that says 'Security' in the back window. That's like
having a sign saying 'I earn £3 an hour sitting at a desk for 12 hours a day
trying to finish the Star crossword'.
Back in 1989 some excited person picked up this gleaming new Escort
from the dealers and drove it proudly home. This is a sad example of the fate
that could await the car you love. Don't think about this when you're polishing
your beloved motor next time!

This car has a pathetic 'please shoot me' face on it, and I would gladly put it out
of its misery  and have it sent to the factory that makes spaghetti tins.
Ford did experiment with a jet-powered car but they kept setting fire to other
vehicles when you parallel parked.
Honey I shrunk my chassis.
The Heidelberg. I've stepped in things that look better than this.
Nice Aston mate (hee hee). An MX5 that has been turned into Noddy's Aston.

Can you image the shame of finding yourself next to a real one at the traffic
lights? This would only pass for an Aston if you were Stevie Wonder.
Something reminds me of the bathroom suite at my first house. ..
I wonder if those exhausts are the same shape all the way to the engine?
One spoiler is not enough for this guy. Obviously he needs the additional
downforce when he's flat out at 78 MPH.
A Rover 220. This slow prehistoric pensioner-chariot has been transformed into
a slow, yellow moron-chariot.
Some kind of Greenfly-inspired creation. It needs the pest controller to
poison it.
A Fiesta that looks like it's been modified with plasterboard, cement and pieces
of scaffold pole. With luck it'll be fine when the builders finish it.
This is what happens if you buy a body kit and your dog eats the instructions.

"Dave I'm sure that black bit should be on the front!"

He would have been better spending his job-seekers allowance on lowering
that ridiculous suspension and swapping that stupid bean-tin he's hammered
on to his exhaust pipe.
This guy obviously thought his 8 tonne assault vehicle was too shy and retiring.
The Astra Flymo tribute edition.

Surely some guys did this for a joke while the owner was in a coma?
How do you increase the value of your Lada?
Well it's not by welding a skip to the underneath and nailing a bathroom
turd-pipe to the back.
This Ford KA/Snowplough conversion is nice. The owner has gone for the
'ALDI red plastic bucket' look.

Note the bonnet vents to keep that raging 65 BHP engine cool...
What's this then? The Escort 1.6 Walnut Whip edition?
He must have been 'exhausted' after building that! (groan).
No wonder communism collapsed. Some brave soul has attempted the
impossible here, making a Lada look good. They failed.
I look at this one and I can't help but think of that that tribe who ram dinner plates
in their mouths.
This car apparently 'turns more heads than Ferraris'

Well so would a dog driving a bus, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's a
good thing. The Pug CC was a crap car to start with, being slow, French and
girly. It should have been left with it's previous owner who was probably called
Tracey and owned a nail bar.

I admit, I added the 'purple helmet'
Wouldn't you think that the builder of this car would have had a wake-up moment
one night and realised that he was building something dreadful that shouldn't
be allowed to live? Didn't someone try to tell him?

He clearly didn't, and went on to produce this absolute chod of a car. It's a pity
he never got round to the 1.6 engine or the rear drum brakes.
What twisted sicko did this to an XR2?

I had one and it was a nice car. Please God, say this wasn't mine!

Now it looks like a Klingon battle cruiser with a pedal bin nailed on the back.
Honda for sale. Unfortunately someone has dropped a house on it.
Do you remember when you built Airfix kits as a kid and then one day you
glued all the spare optional parts from all the models into a wierd looking craft?

OK then, you didn't  but I did and it looked like this. All I was short of was a
blindfolded gibbon to paint mine like this.
Escort Cosworth? No - Escort Notworth (anything).

Now that's what I call a spoiler. Rear visibility could be a problem though.
You could just about see a sheet of A4 paper edgeways if it was driving
behind you, which it wouldn't be er, obviously. 
A 78 BHP Saxo Furio. Is it fast?  No.
Repair your car with flour and water glue.
What's brown, nasty and found on footpaths?

The Volkswagen crapper van.
Sumo power huh?

I thought Sumos were overweight, slow and ugly.
A Yank tank that is wank.
Flames on a Hyundia? Pity they're not real ones.
This guy likes us to know he's got 'no fear' of looking like a cock.
A Clio that looks like a 70's bathroom suite.
From Dr Japseye in the USA. How could it be from anywhere else?
Does my bum look big in this? Yes.

Looks like someone's sawn a bath in half and nailed it to their Fiesta, then tried
to paint it with a Halfords touch up can. A fine improvement then..
Ever wondered how shitboxes form? Our nature correspondent took this rare
shot of a young shitbox as it grazed in a car park. In this early stage the
young shitboxes often assume a grey colour. This is due to some as yet unknown
process. Note how the arches are beginning to bulge over the tiny wheels
and the baby shitbox is just developing its antlers.

With a few more benefit cheques this will be a fully formed shitbox, where it will
be found feeding at the local Maccy D's drive through.
This shitbox appears to have sprouted fangs and has a radiator the size of
the one in our lounge, or what is possibly a piece of garden fence nailed in there.

The finish leaves a bit to be desired, you could change your plugs just by
sticking your arms through the gaps in the bodywork.
Probably a girl's car. Then again ot could be a bloke whose girlfriend is called
If you want to go unnoticed, just paint your car the same colour as Dale
Winton's face.
The numberplate says it all. GHAAA!

The full job though, flames, spoiler, twin exhausts.

And wheels off a settee.
Taxi Mate?  Is it?

Looks like a cornflake box on castors. I think I'll walk.
You may have thought that Knight Rider had retired and was living in a home
for the bewildered. No, he's actually alive and well, and solving crimes in the
Crewe area. Here he is at a potential crime scene where Mr Wilkins' hedge
cutter has gone missing. It's quickly solved however as KITT detects that
it has actually dropped behind the rabbit hutch.

Another case solved for Michael Knight and his wonder car.
Thanks to Dr Japseye for this brief glance at a camouflaged Calibra.

Just as well it's on a normal road because if it had been in a desert conflict
situation it would have been completely invisible. Er nearly.
IQ Test.

You have a crappy clapped-out FTO.    Do you:

a) Pay a scrap man to remove it.
b) Leave the keys in and hope an escaped mental patient will steal it.
c) Saw it up and put it in your bin over 6 months covered with potato peelings.
d) Paint a Union Jack on it (bearing in mind it's Japanese).

Wrong answer.
Obviously a number plate would have spoiled the complex balance between
the contrasting colours on this car.
The old Mini was crap.

There.  I said it. I know it was ahead of its time, but that was 40 years ago, and
they carried on stamping out the same crap for the next 25 years without any
investment. BL or Austin Rover or Rover Group or whatever they were called
that week, perfected the technique of injecting all the box sections with
concentrated nitric acid, thus ensuring that 6 months after buying one, you
would be trying to keep the headlights in with filler and chicken wire. The paint
started bubbling as they were driven off the production line.  
The pensioner's favourite badly modified. By it's manufacturer!

The Rover BRM was a limited edition released in 98 and withdrawn in 99. It is
supposed to be based on a BRM Formula 1 car. It's enough to leave Graham Hill
spinning in his grave with its puke-inducing orange front grill and fake aluminium
trim. The red leather and carpets are straight out of a bondage den.

The launch price was £18000!  You would have had to be clinically insane to
part with your hard-earned cash for this badly dressed dinasour.
This granny model gutless Civic seems to have sprouted horns. Someone needs
to tell him to put his crappy exhaust pipe on straight.
An Escort in drag.
This has to be included because it's so dismal. Basically he's glued on a chunk
of plastic with 2 chrome bathroom waste pipes sticking out of the back at
different angles.
Years ago this was a proud business steed of the motorways. Probably driven
by a sales engineer in charge of sanitary-ware who lived life in the fast lane
eating petrol station lunches and wearing an Argos suit.

Now it is a 'racing car'. This is where many old company cars go to die and it's
a sad end for a once noble beast.  
6 exhausts on one Astra? That'll be one for each horsepower then.
The bin looks better, is more useful and is worth more. However they both
contain shit at one time or another.
For Sale. Would suit someone who would like to look like a complete penis.
What is going on with this car? Why is there a gap above the front wheel
that you could get Venessa Feltz into? The chicken wire grilles and shopping
trolley spoiler just make this a complete dog's dinner of a car.

What's the scoop for on the roof? Is it to cool the driver's head? Perhaps
it lights up like a taxi with the word 'dick' in it.